1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:09,438
Go to John Glover, tell her I love her
at the light of the moon I'll come to her

2
00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,555
Go to John Glover, tell her I love her
at the light of the moon I'll come to her

3
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:19,550
Come on, guys! In the round. Go to
John Glover, go to John Glover...

4
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,593
- We're lost, aren't we, Phil?
- I'm not sure.

5
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,268
You're the one with the map. This isn't a road.

6
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,278
It's hard to tell, we're underneath this staple.

7
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,278
What's this?

8
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,040
This is where the road's meant to be.

9
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,352
Shall we see if we can help, Ollie?

10
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,472
Best not, Dave. We'll only be late for the kids.

11
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,472
Always be professional.

12
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,478
The kids will respect you for that.

13
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,116
Go to John Glover and tell her I love her...

14
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:58,639
DAVE: Shut up!

15
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,431
Did the plan work, Edward?

16
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:09,674
Yes, Tubbs. The plan worked beautifully.

17
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,874
POSTBOX: Thank you for posting
a letter inside me.

18
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,471
Come on, girl. Do your business.

19
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,956
- Hi, Grace.
- Morning, Grace.

20
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,354
Mr Chinnery.

21
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:04,276
Your entire zoo?
How many animals did you lose?

22
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,277
Three.

23
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,436
Pickles the chimp was from my brother-in-law.

24
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,393
The goat was from a gypsy in Tadcaster,

25
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:16,879
and the pig was a favour
from a farmer in Scoles.

26
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,638
I've got nothing now.

27
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:22,196
The pig was there,
the chimp was there. It's all gone.

28
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:23,753
Everything's gone.

29
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:28,351
- Read the map and drive.
- The map's not my responsibility.

30
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,394
- Now where? Left or right?
- It has to be left.

31
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:36,957
For crying out loud! Straight ahead? Right.

32
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,794
There's a man sitting next to you.

33
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,310
Not another man, me, I am.
I thought you ought to know.

34
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,239
- Thank you.
- Oh, it's all right.

35
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,870
- It's a lovely day.
- Yes.

36
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,913
No, I'm telling you it's a lovely day.

37
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,270
Hardly any clouds in the sky.

38
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:14,918
You are in a park on a bench
talking to a man - me.

39
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,272
- Am I shouting? Am I shouting?!
- A little, yes.

40
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,118
I thought so.

41
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:26,678
I expect your ears are more finely
tuned than a healthy person's.

42
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:31,351
- They are important, yes.
- Keep your specs on for one thing.

43
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,037
They forecast rain again later this afternoon.

44
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,279
- I beg your pardon?
- It will rain again this afternoon.

45
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:45,315
How do you know? Did they write it
down for you in that bumpy writing?

46
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,512
- No, it was on the television.
- Oh...

47
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,631
Good, good for you.

48
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,116
Do you watch a lot of...
No, it's all repeats anyway.

49
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,073
It's nothing you haven't seen before.

50
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,397
- You should get yourself a video.
- I've got one, actually.

51
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,512
Then you can tape stuff and listen to it.

52
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,711
Or else keep it, in case one day...

53
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,239
Who knows?

54
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,876
They can put pigs' livers inside you
nowadays, imagine that.

55
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,355
A pig's liver instead of a human's.

56
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,757
So, you know, they might find some way of...

57
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,758
I saw this Tales of the Unexpected once,

58
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,793
and it was just this eye on a stalk.

59
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,549
A brain and an eye on a stalk
in a big glass tank.

60
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,912
If you're lucky, one day that could be you.

61
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,554
If I'm lucky?

62
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,231
Well, listen to me, eh...

63
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,670
I must be going.

64
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,552
It's nice to meet you anyway.

65
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,149
I'm behind you now.

66
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,510
I'm going. Ta-ta!

67
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,757
How do you shave?

68
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,874
I bet you cut yourself a lot, don't you?

69
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,992
Is that why you see
so many bearded... sightless?

70
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,156
They always look a mess, don't they?

71
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:06,751
Dandruff and crumbs in the beard.
Mum used to point at them and say:

72
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,430
"That'll happen to you
if you keep on fiddling with yourself."

73
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,358
Didn't stop me, though.

74
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,911
I expect you get lonely, don't you?
Rattling around all day in your house.

75
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,271
Your hostel. Locked in your own thoughts.

76
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,550
You do better going for a little walk.

77
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,718
As I say, it's all repeats, and who knows.

78
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,229
You might even meet another...

79
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,000
I mean, look at me.

80
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,953
Was it something I said?

81
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:44,352
Did you have a nice holiday, Mrs Levinson?

82
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,199
Oh, Barbara. It was utter paradise.

83
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,868
Eddie said it's like being in a Bounty advert.

84
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,313
I really should get my bikini line waxed.

85
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,196
So, anything been going on around here?

86
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,756
Have you not heard about
the beast of Royston Vasey?

87
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,394
Oh now, Barbara. People can be very cruel.

88
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:07,434
Not me. They dug something up
working on the new road.

89
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,870
Stop it, you're giving me the willies.

90
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,992
You're welcome to mine.
It's coming off in a fortnight anyway.

91
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,274
Right, what have we got here, then.

92
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,956
- I have to warn you, Mr Chinnery.
- Don't worry, inspector.

93
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,550
I'm used to seeing nature red in tooth and claw.

94
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:49,558
You cowards! You whoremongers!

95
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:51,716
Idolaters, liars!

96
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,879
Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur,

97
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,548
where you will die the second death.

98
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:03,231
The death that burns and tears for all eternity.

99
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,479
So... Think on.

100
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,792
Shut up!

101
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,797
They've arrived.

102
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:24,074
Did you know that this afternoon
some of you will be watching a play

103
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,350
instead of doing proper lessons.

104
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,189
It's going to be performed by
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company,

105
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:36,714
and it's a show about homosexuality
aimed at nine to twelve year olds.

106
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,912
Some people call this Theatre in Education.

107
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,759
I call it Aids in a Van.

108
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,475
Aye. Adultery.

109
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,959
My finest specimens.

110
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,789
Sonny and Cher.

111
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,231
Soon I'll enter them in
the annual croaker parade.

112
00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,796
They've been nurtured carefully
for the past nine months.

113
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,594
Fed exclusively on Lollo Rosso
and smoked mackerel.

114
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:09,116
Now I feel the toad breeder's shield
is finally within my grasp.

115
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,710
Uncle Harvey, you're not listening.
I'm going back to London.

116
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,992
- Impossible.
- You're looking after the girls tonight.

117
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:20,992
In this house guests are expected
to baby-sit once during their stay.

118
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,758
You never mentioned that.

119
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,394
If you'd spent a little less time

120
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:30,549
cavorting with Madame Palm
and her five lovely daughters...

121
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,508
...you'd be a little more alert.

122
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,393
Well, I'm going. I've got the ticket.

123
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,479
Splendid. That's settled, then.

124
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:44,148
Chloe and Radcliffe will be so thrilled.

125
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,271
Benjamin!

126
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:47,993
One other thing.

127
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,159
While you're walking around
the house, would you wear these?

128
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:58,233
We use them on Wednesdays.
They restore the weft of the carpets.

129
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,433
OK, everyone. Thanks very much. Um...

130
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,791
Good morning! We are
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.

131
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,389
You may remember us
from a couple of Christmases ago.

132
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,353
We did White Chocolate, a play about racism.

133
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:32,919
We're back to present our new piece
on sexuality, called Everybody Out!

134
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,556
My name is Ollie Plimsoles.
I'll get your names in a minute,

135
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,309
because there are far too many of you.

136
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,353
- This is...
- Phil.

137
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,551
- And...
- Dave.

138
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:48,992
- We'll do forum work on sexuality.
- Can I just say, before we start.

139
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,670
We'll be losing Phil at the end of the month.

140
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:56,236
It's sad to see him go,
but he's been plucked for stardom.

141
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,591
He's now a proper actor, so we're
releasing him from his contract,

142
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,713
and he's going off to do telly and radio
and all sorts of exciting things.

143
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,831
- When did this happen?
- Last week.

144
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,715
OLLIE: Remember that face, 'cause if
you see him on the telly you can say:

145
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:13,230
"He came to our school, he was
in that good play about issues

146
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:17,319
with that Legz-a-what's-it theatre
company. I liked him in that,

147
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:21,195
but he's out if his depth in this.
He's rubbish in this.

148
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,630
Turn it off, I don't want to watch it."

149
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,117
Thanks, Ollie.

150
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,991
- Who was the casting director?
- Paul Alexander.

151
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,715
That old queen, how did you...? Oh, right.

152
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,356
Make room for the little fat one. That's it.

153
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:43,710
OK, who's got a secret?

154
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:47,151
Who's got a really great secret
only they know about?

155
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,669
- I have.
- Dave...

156
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:53,270
Who's got a secret that they don't
think they can tell anyone else?

157
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,836
What kind of secret would that be,
I wonder. Any ideas?

158
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,517
No? What if you did a crime?
That would be a secret, wouldn't it?

159
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:08,750
Or you're a secret smoker, you take
off for a fag behind the bike shed.

160
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,394
But what about if you're gay?

161
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,476
There's a few giggles. Hands up.

162
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,592
Who's gay? I'm not.

163
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,678
It's a hard one, isn't it,
a hard one to admit to, but

164
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,838
I bet you there are some gays in this room.

165
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,634
There's at least one that I know of.

166
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:32,912
Sexuality is a very broad church, you know.

167
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,795
It's like anything else that's... like that.

168
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,719
- Tolerance is very important.
- Yeah.

169
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:45,358
A lot of people often forget that gays
are ordinary, normal, healthy guys.

170
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:47,198
Dykes on the other hand are evil.

171
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:55,873
Picture a scene. You find your wife
Linda in bed with another man.

172
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:59,038
- Ollie, let's do some...
- But it's not actually a man.

173
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:03,028
It's a big fat lezzer wearing
my slippers and smoking my pipe!

174
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,151
Don't touch me, you poof!

175
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,479
- Do you want to take a break?
- I'm fine!

176
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,910
Where was I? Tolerance!
You have to talk to work things out.

177
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,351
I spoke with my wife Linda.
I'm not man enough for her,

178
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,313
so now she lives with a female Geoff Capes.

179
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:28,115
It's a process, and understanding
people is part of the hidden

180
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:33,348
horrors of relationships. I'm not
going back there! Big bitches!

181
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,676
Ollie...?

182
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,197
Right, any questions?

183
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,395
Subject appears to be animal.

184
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,115
Ursine features...

185
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,478
...but ostensibly...

186
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,997
...simian. May I have a glass of water, please?

187
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,590
- OVER RADIO: Sir.?
- Not now.

188
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:21,350
Also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy.

189
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,632
Anthropoidal nature
of the subject suggests some

190
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,434
gross distortion of a known genus.

191
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,153
OVER RADIO: Sir.?

192
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:34,672
I can only conclude that we have
been confronted by a new species,

193
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,952
some form of monstrous basilisk,

194
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,833
the like of which the world has never seen.

195
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:46,273
Sir, sorry to bother you. Got this
zoo feller here. Lost his animals.

196
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:50,996
You haven't seen a goat,
a pig and a chimp anywhere.?

197
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:05,149
Come on. Back to work, everyone.

198
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,158
Oh, yeah.

199
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,519
Did the plan fail, Edward?

200
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,955
Mr Scarecrow, you look messy.
Your head's all out of shape.

201
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:56,598
One day I'll ask Mummy to make you
a new coat and trousers.

202
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,791
Then you won't look so scruffy and horrid.

203
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,232
Hey! Hey, you Denton girls.
What's your business?

204
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,954
You're always mithering my scarecrow.

205
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,993
That's because he's a special friend, Mr Tinsel.

206
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,430
He must get lonely and hungry.

207
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,757
Oh, no. You mustn't worry about him.

208
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,430
He's only a thing of cloth and straw.

209
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:24,510
Go back to your school trip.
They shouldn't let you wander off.

210
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,472
Ha, ha, ha!

211
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:34,440
Oh dear. Them young lasses
have made a mess of your head.

212
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,749
Mmmm...

213
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:43,078
Did you know it's your third
anniversary coming up this Sunday?

214
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,511
That's right, three weeks in the ten acre field.

215
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:50,315
What have you got to say about that, Andrew?

216
00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:00,639
Please... Please, Mr Tinsel, let me go.

217
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:06,437
When you're doing such a fine job
keeping the crows off my turnips?

218
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,076
I don't think so, Andrew.

219
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,793
Maybe next month, eh?

220
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:17,199
At least leave the bag off for a while.

221
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,960
Oh, I'm not sure about that.

222
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,878
Please!

223
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:27,154
All right. I dare say
a bit of fresh air will do you good.

224
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,955
I'll go and take a walk down to the reservoir,

225
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:35,073
but don't try any of that screaming.

226
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,480
I've got me gun.

227
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,396
God... Oh, God!

228
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:52,040
Oh, my God! Girls, girls! Come here!

229
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:57,268
Girls, come here! Come here, come here! Quick!

230
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,553
Look, there isn't much time.
I need you to get some help.

231
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,716
What kind of help, Mr Wood?

232
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,399
Wha...? You know who I am?

233
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,672
Of course we do. You're Mr Wood
from the cash and carry.

234
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,792
Farmer Tinsel has kept you
imprisoned here for ages,

235
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,675
because you slept with his wife.

236
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:23,510
She thinks you deserted her, but
you've been in the field all this time.

237
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:25,874
Eh?

238
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,799
So let's get this back on your head.

239
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:33,994
No! Please... Please, help me!

240
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,792
Oh, aren't you noisy?

241
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,712
You see, Mr Scarecrow, you're a special friend,

242
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,196
and you wouldn't be if you went away.

243
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,956
MR WOOD: Aaahhh!

244
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,273
- Hey, Luigi!
- We're back again.

245
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,199
- Can't keep away, eh?
- She burned me dinner again.

246
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,789
- Take no notice.
- The fire brigade came.

247
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,356
- He's lying, Luigi.
- Table for two?

248
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,438
- Me toy boy's coming.
- I'll give her a toy boy...

249
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,995
- I wish you would.
- Save me a bloody fortune.

250
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,839
- Can I get you some drinks?
- I want sangria.

251
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:25,033
No, no, no. Just pick her out
a nice bottle of red, Luigi.

252
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,277
Oh, and Luigi, put the Gypsy Kings on.

253
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,916
- Yeah, I like them, Luigi.
- She's bloody hot, look.

254
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,873
I'll go and see if I have it.

255
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,791
It's quiet.

256
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,516
Here he comes.

257
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,757
- Back from me holidays.
- She'll be on tables next.

258
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,475
- I was, you know, in Tenerifi.
- It's Tenerife.

259
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,114
Did you hear that, Charlie.
He called me Madame.

260
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,278
- Well. Thanks, Luigi.
- He wants a bib.

261
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,869
- Big baby.
- Shut up!

262
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,629
- Calamares, is that salad, lemon?
- Si, senor.

263
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,991
- What is it, Luigi?
- Squid, Stella, you won't like it.

264
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,077
I'm asking Luigi. Anyway, I might.

265
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,716
She won't. I took her on holiday,
two star hotel, full board.

266
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:23,230
- Don't listen to him, Luigi.
- She stayed in the bathroom.

267
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,433
- I didn't, Luigi.
- Flaming knickers round her ankles.

268
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,909
I bring the wine, eh?

269
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,833
- Stella...
- Drop dead.

270
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:07,079
- Luigi!
- Where have you been, Luigi?

271
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,510
- Stay single.
- Have you come to cheer us up?

272
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,870
- It's not worth it.
- Have you...?

273
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:17,313
You tell me how it's possible to put
20,000 pesetas in a slot machine.

274
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,830
- Save your breath, Luigi.
- Ask why she had to leave her job.

275
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,828
- I loved that little job.
- And where my 250 went.

276
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,510
- I did it out of boredom, I get bored.
- I should never have married her.

277
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,554
- I have to get out the house.
- I've fallen out of love with her.

278
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,955
- I'm still a woman.
- Make something happen!

279
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,038
- Please, Luigi!
- Luigi, please!

280
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,156
Me name's not Luigi.

281
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,750
It's Carl.

282
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,630
I'm sorry.

283
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,831
- Didn't he say his name was Luigi?
- Aye, well...

284
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,955
- Are you OK, Ollie?
- I'm fine.

285
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,799
Don't forget the music in the disco scene.

286
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,399
I'm fine!

287
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,639
Mum said I was artistic. I thought
she meant I was good at drawing,

288
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,876
but then I always was a sensitive kid.

289
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,878
Even at school I knew I was different
from the other boys.

290
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:27,356
- They was interested in football.
- Yey!

291
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,835
- And girls.
- Argh!

292
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,838
But I liked books and dolls.

293
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,873
- Poof!
- Queen!

294
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,389
- Mary.
- Homo!

295
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,353
- Nancy!
- Linda...

296
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:48,035
I used to walk the streets for hours
thinking about what they'd said.

297
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,959
What was wrong with me? Why was I different?

298
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,436
That's when I saw it. The nightclub Gloria's.

299
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:59,714
I pushed open the door, went inside,
and danced the night away.

300
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,911
Danced the night away.

301
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,111
OLLIE: All right!

302
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,793
- Hey, haven't seen you before.
- I'm not gay.

303
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,911
That's cool, I'm not judging you.

304
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:33,955
We get all kinds in here.
Gays, straights, lesbians.

305
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,478
Ollie!

306
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:41,800
Gloria's is a fun place, as long as
you're careful and over 18. See ya!

307
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,395
I left Gloria's with me head spinning.

308
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,716
I couldn't wait to tell all me pals.

309
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,195
Then I realised. How could I tell them?

310
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,437
I felt like I was on trial
at the blooming Old Bailey.

311
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:58,873
BACKSTAGE: Will the court rise for
his honour Judge Society.

312
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:06,069
Johnny, you stand accused of
being gay. How do you plead?

313
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,033
Not guilty. No, guilty! Why are you judging me?

314
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,676
What about Aids?

315
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,153
Stop!

316
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,670
It did seem like a nightmare,
but that was a few weeks ago.

317
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,632
- You hurt me.
- Put me down.

318
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:27,550
Then, like in fairytale,
we all lived happily ever after.

319
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,832
Me, I'm happy with who I am and what I am.

320
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:34,157
If people don't like that, they can
kill themselves, like Mum did.

321
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,678
Come on, kids! Get clapping.
The moral of this story...

322
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,190
Being normal in this life
won't get you anywhere.

323
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,197
Phil's got a great part on telly.

324
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,870
Not because he's talented, he's not.
He bums the director.

325
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,792
Yeah, Phil. I'm not stupid.
People like me and Dave plod on...

326
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,878
- Don't, Ollie.
- I'm telling how dedicated we are.

327
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:02,072
I'm leaving Legz Akimbo.

328
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,113
- What?!
- I've had enough.

329
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,192
If Phil's going, I'm going.

330
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,073
Why are you doing this, Dave?

331
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,717
I just can't stand you, Ollie.

332
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,229
I'm sorry.

333
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,278
Great.

334
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,559
Excuse me a moment.
I think I'm going to be sick.

335
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:56,149
Benjamin, we can't sleep. Can we play a game?

336
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:01,679
Really girls, you should be in bed.
It's too late to play.

337
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,313
Please, play with us.

338
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,829
I promised your parents
I'd make sure you didn't get up.

339
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,315
Please, please!

340
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,956
No! Now, go to bed.

341
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,197
If you don't play with us,
we'll tell Daddy of you.

342
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:40,038
- What do you mean?
- That you did something naughty.

343
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,832
Like what?

344
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,237
Shaking hands with the governor of love.

345
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,271
Don't be silly. He won't believe that.

346
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:54,075
He will. We know how to say it
to make it sound real.

347
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,872
You wouldn't want to make him angry.

348
00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:00,119
We once saw him beat a man till
both him and the man were crying.

349
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,629
I'm not going to let you blackmail me.
I've told you, go to bed!

350
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,110
- Aaahhh!
- All right, all right.

351
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,869
We'll play a game, but just for a bit.

352
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:17,790
Radcliffe, fetch the blindfold. We're
going to play Wind in the Willows.

353
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,633
One, two, three, five, twelvety six, ten...

354
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,400
Oh, there are too many, Edward.

355
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:37,073
There's been a local shop
on this site for generations.

356
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:42,308
Now this new road, oh,
what are we going to do?

357
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,557
We could kill them all.

358
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,991
Tubbs, you're good-hearted.

359
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,760
There are too many.

360
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,748
Look, Edward, a shooting star.
Shall we make a wish?

361
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,393
Yes, Tubbs.

362
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:02,549
I wish... I wish for an end
to this plague of strangers,

363
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,433
for our futures to remain local,

364
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:10,430
and for new road to be totally destroyed.

365
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,473
Can I have a new dress, please?

366
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,311
BENJAMIN: All right, calm down!

367
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:22,511
Stop shouting!

368
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:26,076
All right, calm down.

369
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:29,113
Stop shouting,
I don't know what you're talking about.

370
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:32,835
I don't think you should be... I'll tell
your Mummy and Daddy on you.

371
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,439
Stop it!

372
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,677
(FIZZING SOUND)

373
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,030
What's going on? Now calm down.

374
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,956
What's happening?

375
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,517
Oh, hello.

376
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,232
We were just...

377
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,271
...playing piggy in the middle.

378
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,275
Sonny!

379
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,518
My Sonny!

380
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:10,073
- Where's Cher?
- I didn't...

381
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:12,794
(SQUASHING SOUND)

382
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,831
Oh, God!

383
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:31,559
BENJAMIN: I'm sorry.

384
00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:36,159
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